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Sunday, April 17th, 2005
5:04 pm - Counting Time
Had he really been in Egypt since New Year's Eve?

Not that Anders Grimalkin, Primary Entrapment De-Activation Engineer, former Quidditch player, part time teacher and All Round Good Guy had any idea how long ago that was. One thing he'd discovered VERY quickly about spending any length of time in catacombs was that every day looked pretty much the same.

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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
6:01 pm - Owl to Daeren Alexander
(It is hastily scribbled and decidedly cryptic. Virtually identical to the one sent to Gareth Adams, bar the Post Script)


Don't know who else to turn to!

In Egypt, somewhere.

Big trouble. No time to write it all down.



PS: Bring pizza, please bring pizza

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4:49 pm - Owl to Gareth Adams
(It is hastily scribbled and decidedly cryptic)


Don't know who else to turn to!

In Egypt, somewhere.

Big trouble. No time to write it all down.



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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
1:01 pm - Uncertainty
Got my next orders through. Looks like they're sending Bill and me overseas this time - Egypt of all places. Should be interesting, I guess, but the timing...sucks. I was looking forward to spending New Year with Elizabeth and her family.

Haven't told Elizabeth yet. She's been a bit moody for the last couple of weeks and I'm not sure that this will go down particularly well. Guess I'd BETTER tell her, though...we go tomorrow morning. Anticipated length of visit: unknown. Reason for mission: classified.

Life's one big adventure. Good job I'm apparently one of the luckiest wizards alive, eh?

Until I return, then.


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Sunday, October 17th, 2004
10:28 am - Mission Report to Ministry of Magic
To: The Head of Magical Artefacts, Ministry of Magic
From: Anders Grimalkin, Primary Entrapment Deactivation Engineer
Re: Reclamation of the Eye of Gabbler Gordon


Yesterday afternoon, myself and my Curse Breaking partner, Mr Bill Weasley, travelled by Floo to the village of Nimlet in Somerset. Our purpose was to locate and reclaim the fabled Eye of Gabbler Gordon, a known wizard from the twelfth century. The Eye has been a much sought after artefact since Gabbler's death in the late nineteen seventies; although it has always strongly been believed that it is not a magical item, but a mere curio.

That notwithstanding, Mr Weasley and I arrived in Nimlet with great eagerness and began our guesswork systematic deduction of possible location immediately. After a short tea break (which I think was merely a dig on Mr Weasley's part; a half-brained reference to my recent misfortune), we came to the location that our guesswork deductions had led us to. A small cottage, seemingly abandoned and without doubt neatly blanketed by an Obscurity Spell. We were able to deduce this by the fact that it was in the middle of the village square. Gabbler clearly enjoyed the hustle of village life rather than the peace.

It was not an easy task to enter the cottage without arousing suspicion; it was market day and quite a few Muggles were milling around. To this end, Mr Weasley suggested that one of us create a distraction so that the other one could enter the cottage unnoticed.

After a short argument discussion, it was agreed that Mr Weasley would create the distraction and I would enter the cottage to retrieve the Eye.

I am not totally clear on what he did to create aforementioned distraction, although as I broke through the Locking Spell on the door and entered, I did hear rather a lot of screaming. I think he removed his clothing and ran naked around the market square I am sure Mr Weasley used great discretion. That's me ten galleons better off, you OWE me, Weasley.

Within the cottage, all was dust covered and stank of cat pee somewhat fusty. A brief survey of the room allowed me to ascertain that this was, indeed, the home of Gabbler Gordon. This deduction was not aided in any way by the hand-stitched picture on the wall that said 'Gabbler Gordon's Place'.

In Carver's Curios, the Eye of Gabbler Gordon is described as 'possible spherical, maybe cubic piece of enchanted crystal, maybe glass, perhaps plastic which may or may not possess magical powers.' I searched high and low in the cottage, but found nothing that nearly, remotely, or even plausibly matched that definitive description. I did, however, find an eye.

Quite literally. It had rolled under the bed. I have cleaned it (no fun, I can tell you) and packaged it for the Ministry to examine. I put forward the suggestion that Gabbler Gordon had a false eye. It rolled under the bed. I have, quite literally, retrieved the Eye of Gabbler Gordon. I further put forward the suggestion that Gabbler Gordon was a filthy old hermit and this was the most disgusting mission I have so far been on.

I am pleased to say that there were no curses involved in this particular mission and I remain human and completely spout-free, for which I am sure that my fiancee will be more than pleased.

I trust that this report will satisfy all Ministry requirements. If it doesn't, find someone who gives a damn.

Kind regards,

Anders R. Grimalkin
Primary Entrapment De-activation Engineer
No Trap Too Troublesome, No Triptych Too Cryptic!

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Saturday, October 16th, 2004
9:20 am - Dear Gods... [Private Entry]
...I never - and I mean *never* want to spend any time as a teapot again.

Not only was it utterly humiliating, sitting quietly on a shelf, living in constant terror of someone breaking off my handle - or worse still, my spout, but after the MoM's error of mistaking me for an ACTUAL teapot, when I came back to myself, I was spitting out tealeaves for hours.

Still, it could have been worse.

What sort of sick mind creates a Transfiguration curse that turns you into a teapot? Sick. Sick, I tell you.

I knew this was a risk of the job when I took it and, despite a tendency to stand in a slight 'teapot' pose and refuse tea, I don't seem to have taken any permanent harm from it. I spoke with Bill this morning and we're out on another mission this afternoon. I think Elizabeth reckons it's a bit soon, but a job is a job is a job. In a moment of uncharacteristic rebellion, I'm going anyway. I'm sure my LQ will see me through.

My money is stacking up nicely. At this rate, I'll be able to put my Evil Plan [tm] into action earlier rather than later.

current mood: optimistic

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Saturday, October 9th, 2004
10:53 am - Urgent Owl to Elizabeth Hawkwood [warded]
[Seal is that of the Ministry of Magic, Artefacts and Curios Divison - and is clearly a standard note with the relevant bits marked out]

Miss Hawkwood

Please can you arrange to collect Mr A. Grimalkin as soon as possible.

The employee has been mildly/badly/fatally injured as the result of a curse backlash. The employee is currently in a box/St. Mungo's Department for Irreversible Curses/The Main Curios Department of the Ministry of Magic.

We suggest you bring a dustpan and brush/box/lily pad/last will and testament when you come to collect the employee as they have temporarily been hit with a curse that has rendered them into a small pile of ash/into an inanimate object/into a frog/deceased.

We hope this will not inconvenience you too much and look forward to signing the employee over to you at the earliest opportunity. Our experts suggest that the curse will wear off in a day/a week/a year/potentially never.

Have a nice day.

C. Clutterbuck
Ministry of Magic

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Monday, September 20th, 2004
11:40 am - Mission Report
To: The Head of Magical Artefacts, Ministry of Magic
From: Anders Grimalkin, Primary Entrapment Deactivation Engineer
Re: Recent Mission to Wooley Edge


As requested, herewith mission log following what has become known as the 'Luck Squad's' trip to Wooley Edge, in the heart of the English countryside.

The artefact in question was an urn believed to contain the remains of Waldorf the Wacky, a wizard of the early twelfth century. It was said that the urn contained magical properties which had never been identified and that it was required to be returned to the Ministry for Breaking.

Mr Weasley and myself arrived at the supposed site of the sacred burial grounds to discover that it had been built upon. A Muggle 'service station' (see Appendix A) was now in situ, packed to the very gunwhales with Muggles filling their 'cars' (see Appendix B) up with 'petrol' (see Appendix C) and purchasing important goods for their journeys, such as overpriced Pick 'n' Mix (see Appendix D), and bottles of 'Coca Cola' (see Appendices E, F, G - they're the real thing).

Our initial assessment of the situation was that Muggles never bloody smile we were incognito enough to continue our mission.

A scout of the 'service station' revealed to us that the urn was indeed where it had been rumoured to be. It is feasible that it was dug up by the Muggles when they built this shrine of ultimate despair. It was being used in the ladies toilets as a vase.

(Additional: the operation to enter the ladies lavatory was a delicate one and involved a certain application of make up skill and dresses disguise. Mr Weasley and myself, both being long haired hippy-types masters of disguise accomplished the mission successfully and found Waldorf's Urn).

This left us with the problem of how to recover the artefact without calling too much attention to the fact. Mr Weasley suggested that the job be mine, given my Luck Quotient, he said, I should simply be able to 'stroll off' with it. (Note: verbatim quote).

Indeed I did. However, the Urn was sealed with the Curse of Hiccups. It hit full force and despite our successful retrieval of the artefact, I am still hiccupping periodically. (Hence the shakiness of my writing, my apologies).

Halfway out the door, we were stopped by a 'security guard', some sort of Muggle attempt at Dementors, given the sourness of his expression. We thought he was trying to arrest us, but it turned out he wanted to ask Mr Weasley out on a date. Mr Weasley makes a better girl than I do was a masterful disguise artist and carried off the female act far better. He agreed to a date and we were left to leave undisturbed.

I hope that the Curse has now been broken and am glad to have been able to report a successful mission.

Anders Grimalkin

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Sunday, September 5th, 2004
10:27 am - Post-Mission Report
To: The Head of Magical Artefacts, Ministry of Magic
From: Anders Grimalkin, Primary Entrapment Deactivation Engineer
Re: Recent Mission to Bognor Regis


As requested by my superior, Mr Bill Weasley, I am putting into writing a full and detailed explanation of what occurred during last week's trip to the Halls of the Jade Shuttlecock down in Bognor Regis, West Sussex and why it was that you ended up having to bail me out of Bognor Regis Police Station - oh, and also why I had no clothes on.

Before I commence, I would like to make it very clear that Mr Weasley should be exonerated of all blame. The fault was mine and mine alone.

I was contacted by Mr Weasley and a formal request put in for my services. We met up on the Thursday afternoon and took the Floo Network down to Bognor, whereupon we headed out to the supposed location of the Halls of the Jade Shuttlecock. (hereinafer referred to as 'the Halls').

Nobody bothered to tell me that as a P.E.D.E. I am technically supposed to go first into every potential trapped situation. Whilst I paused to finish my cigarette tie up my shoelaces, Mr Weasley entered the cave before I did and activated the first of what would trun out to be many traps.

Once the dust had cleared, it was with some trepidation that I realised Mr Weasley had, in fact, vanished. A quick search, led by myself (as I was, in fact, the only other person there) led me to the deduction that he had been transformed into a small rock which was sitting on the activation plate. I picked up the rock and put it into my pocket.

I proceeded in a northerly southerly easterly westerly in an inwards direction into the cave and realised very quickly that this definitely was the supposed location of the Halls. This deduction was based totally and utterly on the overwhelming evidence supplied by the Ministry and had nothing, nothing at all to do with the sign that said "Halls of the Jade Shuttlecock, 1/2 mile!"

By this time, I had successfully activated approximately sixteen traps; all but one of which avoided hitting me. The fourteenth trap, however, got me full-on in my chest, temporarily turning me into a teenager. After some complaining about how unfair this curse was and stamping around the cave, I reverted back to my adult self, something for which I cannot begin to say I was inordinately grateful.

Upon approaching the main door to the Halls, I hesitated to check for traps. There were none around the main door, which struck me as a little peculiar. Confidently, therefore, and somewhat foolishly, I decided to continue the task and reclaim the Jade Shuttlecock for the Ministry in the absence of Mr Weasley.

I do not understand what it was that caused the cave ceiling to collapse, burying the artefact under seventeen tonnes of rubble. Neither do I understand why it was that Mr Weasley's curse chose that moment to wear off. I can tell you that it is not good for clothing to suddenly accommodate two fully grown men, the one of whom was currently in the other's pocket. My clothing was torn to shreds. This explains the nakedness.

Fortunately for the Ministry, Mr Weasley employed my Luck Quotient and suggested I figure out which rock to shift to find the artefact. I picked a rock at random and there it was. Mr Weasley pocketed it and, following a decidedly onerous rumble from above, suggested that we leave the caves bloody quickly with all haste.

We did this and following a number of small rock slides, Mr Weasley and I were separated. He emerged at the predetermined exit, I emerged in the middle of Bognor High Street, naked and filthy where I was found by a Muggle who reported me immediately to the police.

I apologise for any embarrassment this situation caused the Ministry and hope against hope that it will not preclude me from any future missions. Ultimately, the artefact was recovered and, despite an occasional urge to slam doors and listen to loud music, the effects of my curse have worn off.

Please don't sack me

With kind regards,

I remain

Yours faithfully,

Anders R. Grimalkin

current mood: embarrassed

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Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
12:34 am - Tagline, Revised
Have put in request for second-run business cards with tagline to read:-

"No Trap Too Troublesome, No Triptych Too Cryptic"

Damn, I rock.

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12:08 am - Test Results Are In...
...and yes, it's true. Apparently, I'm one of the top five luckiest people in the wizarding world. I spent the day performing a series of tests, including the JBT test. Man, that was crazy. I had to stand on a linoleum floor and drop pieces of buttered toast and jam to see which way up they would land.

46 out of 50 landed jam-side up. 3 of them landed jam-side down, and one couldn't make up its mind and landed on the crust.

Next up was the Clover Room. I found the four-leaf clover in sixteen seconds, a new Ministry record, apparently.

Then we had a break for tea. They seem to like tea breaks at the Ministry. Oh, and biscuits. Mostly chocolate ones.

Needle in the Haystack. I failed that one...well, sort of. The idea is to find it with your hand, not your left foot.

Lunch came next. More tea, more biscuits and a rather depressed looking sandwich with a filling that may-have-been-tuna-could-possibly-have-been-cheese-but-wasn't-ham.

The afternoon test was the real doozy. I had to walk under a succession of twenty ladders. I avoided three buckets, two grand pianos, six cats and a window cleaner.

My overall Luck Quotient (LQ) was 167. The average person on the street has an LQ of 98.

They have explained the job to me in more detail and it seems that my main duties will consist of testing for traps. Apparently, someone with my LQ stands an approximate 92% chance of activating it without causing physical damage. The other 8%, it seems is made up thus:

4% of Mostly Harmless Things might occur.
2% of Really Unpleasant Things could happen.
1% of Permanent Effects could take place.
0.5% of Petrification may be effected.
0.5% Death.

Not bad odds, really. I reckon it's got to be worth a go. I mean, I probably had worse odds flying about on a broomstick, didn't I?

My new business card. I designed the tagline. Apparently it's a new Ministry policy to encourage morale.

Anders R. Grimalkin (HogW)
Primary Entrapment De-activation Engineer
Death Defied, Curses Countered and Cakes Baked

Not sure about the cakes bit, though.

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Sunday, July 18th, 2004
I haven't been this excited since I first got signed up for the Cardiff Chargers! I feel like an eighteen year old all over again instead of the old, crotchety nearly-26-year-old that I am already.

I think Elizabeth is already sick to death of my running about hooting like a lunatic, mind.

Primary Entrapment De-activation Engineer. I mean, how cool does that actually sound? I have to keep saying it.

Primary Entrapment De-activation Engineer.
Primary Entrapment De-activation Engineer.
Primary Entrapment De-activation Engineer.


Look out, world. Anders Grimalkin is on the up and up again. Only this time, there's not a broomstick to be seen!

current mood: sick with excitement

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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
6:02 pm - And Then You'll NEVER Guess What Happened....
Someone came to Anders Grimalkin and offered him employment.

And lo, there was much rejoicing.

Of course, the details were a little shaky at the time, but hey - since when have I been proud? It's a JOB, for God's sake.

And lo, there were several pints of beer.

And lo, there was the subsequent hangover.

All I know at this stage is that I was selected for this particular job because of my 'inordinate levels of luck'. As I say - I know very little about the whole thing at this stage except...well, can we say the words 'Curse Breaker' without getting over-excited? Because I CAN'T!!

Curse Breaker. Yeah, baby! I'm COOL! They've accepted me into the training programme and the rewards promise to be more than lucrative. There's travel, there's outdoor work, there's the fact that I'm paid a basic salary plus bonuses for contract work - which means even in quiet times I'll get an income.

And that ALSO means I can do some part-time Quidditch training at the ol' school, too.

I feel good, y'know.

And lo, there was much smugness.

current mood: smug

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Sunday, July 4th, 2004
10:15 am - Owl to Elizabeth Hawkwood (Private)
My Dear Elizabeth

I do hope you will forgive my forwardness in writing to you, but I was starting to get a little concerned about Anders. I have not heard from him since he came to visit with us down here in Devon, which worries me. I do hope that he is well. He seemed to enjoy his stay, particularly bonding with his half-brothers who all send their love. I noticed he has a tendency towards the melancholy, a trait he has inherited from his mother, I fear.

I read of the devastating attack on the Manor and I must say that despite my existence being necessarily kept secret, I would be glad to offer my assistance in hunting down the killers any way I can. Perhaps it is the opportunity that Fate has been waiting for to allow my re-entry to the wizarding world.

I hope you are both well, dear Elizabeth. Please let me know how Anders is. I was separated from him for too many years to let it happen again now.

Fondest wishes,


current mood: worried

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Monday, May 24th, 2004
9:46 am - Confusion [private entry]
I thought I might sleep well last night, back here asleep under the Hogwarts roof. When I was a kid, I always slept well when I was at school. It made me feel...I don't know. Safe, I suppose. Knowing that when I was at school, there was no way that Da Owen could hurt me.

But my dreams last night were filled with the nightmares I thought long forgotten. All those memories of the day Da Owen and I fought and I really thought I had killed him came flooding back in. I never did glean the truth about it from him: I guess his DE associations must have been the key. I bet he suspected that by doing what he did, he would ultimately kill my mother. She grieved for him, despite hating him so very much. I never did. I spent all those years convinced I had killed him, bearing the guilt of both his death AND hers as well. I suppose that burden should have lifted slightly when I discovered the son of a bitch was still alive, but instead, it made me feel even worse. Did Mam die for nothing?

I have no idea what it was that triggered those memories. I hope they don't return tonight. I don't know that I want to live through that again, particularly. Still...guess it made a change from the dreams of falling.

I saw Isodora Radan scuffing through the halls as well - fancy that! I was at school with her older siblings: we were all on the Quidditch team together - not that we had that much to do with one another to be fair - nobody had much to do with me when I was at school, after all. The horror of it all...a Muggle-born in Slytherin house. I should have wandered around with a bell, shouting 'unclean, unclean'...


So I'm feeling grumpy and out of sorts this morning. I must drop in to see Madam Pomfrey and say hello; she always warned me that Quidditch would lead to a bad accident one day, suppose I'd better let her get the 'I told you so' out of her system. Besides, I need an expectorant for my cough and I'm sure she'll oblige.

Note to Madam PomfreyCollapse )

current mood: contemplative

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Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
11:47 pm - Tea and Biscuits. How Civilised.
Summary: In which Anders and Professor McGonagall catch up on events since Anders' accident.

JP by Chantal and Sarah.

Tea and BiscuitsCollapse )

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Monday, May 17th, 2004
6:23 pm - So THIS is What Having a Family is Like... [private]
I spent the last few days with Ieuan and his family. His wife Chrissie is an absolutely amazing lady. She reminds me so very much of my own mother that it was hard not to break down in tears when I met her.

"You must be Anders," she said, and hugged me like she had known me all her life. I got to meet her sons - my half-brothers. The eldest, almost 11, is Conal. He is 11 going on about 33. I have never met such a grown-up kid, I swear to God. The middle son is Tyler, six years old and as bright as a button.

And then there's the baby...Andrew. Oh, man. He's just gorgeous. I never thought of myself as particularly broody, but spending time with that little fella has just dragged it all out of me. I forced Ieuan and Chrissie to go out on Saturday night and let me babysit. They haven't had the opportunity to go out since Conal was little. Ieuan has no family close by and Chrissie's family are all in - madly enough - Ireland.

I loved every minute of my stay with them. They accepted me into their life without so much as a blink. Ieuan is so different from Da...in so many ways. All this wasted time.

Will I ever be able to see him as my father, I wonder? Just now, I still feel a certain amount of anger towards him, but seeing his family has softened that somewhat. He didn't abandon Mam deliberately. I know what Da was like. I know what he was capable of, perhaps better than anybody.

Rest assured, this won't be the last visit to Devon.

[Owl to Professor Severus Snape, Hogwarts - Tightly Warded]Collapse )

[Owl to Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts]Collapse )

current mood: content

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Monday, May 10th, 2004
10:35 pm - Owl to Elizabeth Hawkwood


Elementary Mathematics:-

(House sold) + much profit
- All monies owing to your pa now repaid

Guilt eliminated
Happy Anders.

I am going to Devon tomorrow to spend some time with Ieuan and his wife and...I guess my half-brothers. I'm a bit freaked, but his wife has insisted that I come along. Ieuan reckons she has an overwhelming urge to mother me.

I have asked if you might also be welcome in a day or two when I've got the formal bit out the way and apparently it's the more the merrier - so if you want to come to Devon for a few days, you'll find me at a little place called Lee Bay, just outside of Ilfracombe.

Love you,


current mood: Quietly Smug

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Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
10:06 am - Owl to Professor Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts
Dear Professor Dumbledore

I have taken the enormous step of writing to you on the gentle prompting of both Elizabeth and her father. I was resisting, I guess, afraid that you might think I was a whining brat.

I am sure you are aware of the fact that my Quidditch career is well and truly over now due to the accident I had recently. This sort of leaves me in a bit of a bind as regards what to do with the Rest Of My Life [tm].

I voiced a thought over dinner recently that maybe I could go into teaching, maybe I could do as good a job as Madam Hooch has done all these years. Elizabeth said 'why not write to Hogwarts? You never know what the future might bring'. And so...here I am. Writing to Hogwarts.

Professor, I appreciate that you may not actually *want* to consider offering me employment. I know that I was never what you might call the ideal student, that I went through that rebellious and downright obnoxious phase just before I left school, that you were probably fairly disappointed in me. But I have changed. Elizabeth, the accident, everything that has happened to me in the last year or so has changed me beyond recognition.

All I ask for in this letter, therefore, is that should any opportunities for suitable employment arise in your establishment, you might give me more than a passing thought.

In the meantime, I am busying myself with finishing up the house here in Ireland with a view to selling it for an obscene profit and moving back to the mainland. Seems a bit futile living here when there's no work.

I hope you are keeping well. Please pass my fondest regards onto Mum Professor McGonagall and assure her that I will pay a visit just as soon as I am a little better and able to travel further distances.

Kindest regards,

Anders R Grimalkin

current mood: optimistic

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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
6:42 pm - Owl Flurry
Owl to Daeren AlexanderCollapse )

Owl to Elizabeth HawkwoodCollapse )

current mood: relieved

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